Holding Back...security


Do you ever hold back? Do you do it but maybe don't realize you are doing it? Or are you doing it for a reason?

Do you notice no pics this week??? Yeah I just noticed that... No belly pics...NO bikini pics...



This bikini competition I am in week 8... the countdown has and is running and going fast. I printed out my entry form and had my coach help me fill it out. It is one more thing that locks myself in on this...


  • Hotel room booked 
  • Bathing suit ordered/being made
  • Eating ground turkey and asparagus 3x a day
  • Working out 6x a week
  • Fight with my coach 
  • Butttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

I have this defense mechanism where I don't fully put my heart in because if I withhold a little bit it will not hurt as bad. I am PRE-building in a failure %.... DUMB - yes/maybe/no/I don't know. 

I have mentioned a time or million that I have actively seen my therapist over the last 8 years and within that time I realized I kept a little bit of my heart from my husband until about......3 years (we will be married 10 years this year - yikes). But now that I was confronted about that mechanism I fully released my heart to him...and well....he is my stud muffin/my everything....truly I love him more then anything... 

So if the outcome COULD be the same it seems that I need to fully open my mind, body and soul to the possibility that I can rock this up there....that after the show I can continue to live a healthy lifestyle (yes with a little pizza and a little ice cream) and that I can be happy now, tomorrow and in 51 days.

As I sit here wondering WHY... the biggest thing to me is I want to help as many people as possible, I want to encourage as many people as possible to be HAPPY HEALTHY and it is obtainable. 

I don't want people to think that this WAY is the the way or the only way. It is the way to get that ON STAGE bikini body and as I mentioned a post or two in that aspect I am winning. But everyday I want to be able to be the best I can. 

And despite wearing the new lower size and actually being able to fit in clothes...I am still that young chubby unhealthy girl who is making every effort that my kids NEVER have to lose weight. 

Holding back....it is a challenge and something that restricts you...I am breaking chains all the time.... 

Can you break your chains???Can you STOP holding back??? 
(Disclaimer....OMG with this competition my emotions go UP and DOWN)....

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