When to push

As a parent - or at least me...you have that choice of giving into your kids fears or pushing them through it. 

Our kiddos both decided they wanted to join gymnastics and we found a gym that has a full boy and girl team. 

They have been in it for 2 months so 8 full classes..and then a meet was happening. If anyone knows me I go full into things and a meet seemed like the best thing. 

We practiced  at home and at the gym. Then the lets buy a trampoline - let's buy a bar - started rolling in my head...luckily my girlfriend talked me out of that....for now.

Well we did ask both kids if they wanted to participate and both said yes - so mom bought them new outfits, donated food to the snack bar and paid the entry fee. 

The week of....oh holy moly things feel apart. I had two kids not wanting to do anything and afraid to do the bars. 

Our son is good!!! He is really good. His coach said he is a natural. He loves each practice. BUT this week he got stuck when he was flipping and oh boy the tears came and the I don't want to go.. With reading my book - I let him know it is okay to be scared. It is okay to be nervous however you have to try and you have commitments. After keeping a calm voice and preaching with the book suggested the last resort was acknowledging his feelings but telling him this is a time where mom and dad have to push you. And you will go..... We had butterflies and tears up until we saw the door and all of his friends...then he was off. He did so good on all 4 events. Then awards came and he placed in each one and got a medal. He was happy has can be. 

The girl was the first to want to try gymnastics - doing flips and cartwheels everywhere. She runs off to practice excited and eager....well the bars and flipping on it stumped her. Practice was miserable and she wanted to walk out - no more gymnastics... Oh boy....at the last practice I acknowledged her feelings and reassured her and she went back in - no bar or flip at all (she can be stubborn like her mom - who knew) and after practice she said she decided she would stay. 

The meet approached and she was the one so excited. Her nana and grandee were coming. She was dressed ready to go. She did so well on all events ...then the bar came and she wouldn't do it at all. Tears crying shaking her finger at me...this one I didn't push. She regained confidence and continued on. What made me proud is she went on the next event and didn't allow her fears to stop her going forward. 

At the end she also received several ribbons and a medal! 

All in all a fun day and one I think the kids will repeat..however I think we are moving to 2 practices a week. 

This just got real....

Well I did it... I got my money order and mailed it out today...no turning back. 
Or if I do I am another $100 in the hole.., this step seals the deal for me..no matter what I know I have worked hard and I will be walking on that stage in 5 weeks...OMG how did July get here so fast? 

I started this and I will finish it - my way on my terms... 

Another thing happened ....we got a stair master - so my 2x a day and fitting in my cardio just got much easier... And man watch out DVR you will be used. 
This competition is so close yet so far away... I cannot wait to step on that stage... Please anyone and everyone come out and support me on this HUGE accomplishment. This isn't about wearing an itty bitty bikini this is ME shedding my "unhealthy" self this is ME rocking it as a mom and wife and an almost 35 year old woman! 
I also paid and picked up my competition bikini... Not ready to reveal that but know I love it and can't wait to strut my stuff... 🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸🇺🇸


My dear friend sent this to me and I just fell in love with it...I feel I am far from being cocky but with this maybe I should be. I am so proud of how far I have come and how much I can do for myself and my family. 

I love to eat healthy and to share my story and what works with each and every person! 

My dream is to have more years healthy vs unhealthy! I would love to inspire people that a balanced healthy lifestyle is managable and attainable. 

So today I will be cocky...
I eat clean.
I train hard.
I have worked my a** literally off to get where I am. 
Most recently...I have a phone full of pictures of myself - to see my progress. 
I have a husband that just got an upgrade in a wife for sure. But loved me from the moment he saw me - fat and all. 
I have two wonderful kids that want to be just like us...active and healthy. 

So here I am in all my glory with my mini-me. And I posted this before but my most recent bathing suit picture.., loving my new bathing suit. 
So I will be cocky today...because I am and continue to work hard for where I am and I am proud of that. 

Remembering what is important

Memorial weekend...a time of remembrance for all of those that make this free country possible. For me I am all about - country - America and the great men and women who have and do serve for this country. 

I am forever blessed with a man that was in the marines.... And I love to represent that all the time. Just today i noticed I have a lot of American themed items...slightly obsessed. I have always loved the flag and what it represents ...more so with marrying my husband and even more so that my first bikini show is on July 4th (freeing myself from my "fat" self).  

This memorial weekend and a few days before that it has been a time to reflect what is important to me.. 

On Thursday I had a mental/physical break from my show prep. It was just great to take a moment and remember why I started this journey. Through a lot of venting, talking, thinking on the matter I remembered. I started this for me! For me to wake up and realize I 
Wouldn't wake up 200 pounds again. This is my journey and I make the decisions and emotions for myself. With that I was able to refocus and hit it for me... Friday night I returned to the gym with my go to gal and it felt good!! Two gyms and tons of peeps didn't detour us at all. While the girls pumped iron the guys stayed home at worked out together while our babies played together. To me that is what is important! Spending time with family and friends and enjoying yourself. 
Saturday morning I was up early again and went for a killer leg workout with my cousin and of course my fellow bikini competitor....
Oh is this true for today! Sore and loving it! With my workout done for the day I was  able to do the things I love...like painting my baby girls toes...mom and daughter time is so precious.... 
Saturday night we had dinner and spent the night at my moms house...old family movies for sure...love my mom took so many for us to remember our lives...side note OMG I was not healthy...while I love seeing memories I hate that I was so unhealthy. 

Now I would say about 90% of the time I am a busy body person but today we are just relaxing and enjoying our time together. 
We are watching tv until the hubs comes home with popcorn for the kiddos and a movie.... 

So today tomorrow and everyday remember those that make this country free and also remember what is important to you in this free country... 
Family God love happiness 
Cross + flag = free country 

Fit, Healthy....vs.....

It is so weird to walk around now and talk with people that I have only known for the last few years...they see me now and think I am FIT (is the word I like to use but maybe smaller, hate to even think thin) and that is me....that is me NOW. I am fit - I am healthy - I am working hard for it... 

Now let's jump spots real fast to that unfit or "fat" " overweight" word, look and lifestyle. I don't like using it and I don't here in our house...but reality is you can be naturally thin but not healthy..you can be healthy but not thin... 

There are also those very blessed people that are naturally thin...I am NOT one of them... I have changed the way I look at food, the reasons why I eat food and when I eat food. I love to EAT so I can easily over indulge in items so I focus on macros, clean food and healthy choices (and salads are not on the normal list). 

For that reason I want people to know this is a battle I am winning and one that  I am going to stay on for life. My children only know mom as "me" as this....
As the person that eats healthy, stays active and workouts all the time...and recently the person rocking a 2 piece bathing suit all the time and posing every where. 

I am so happy about my journey and my lifestyle and YES ----- I might now have a slight addiction to bathing suits... 

Seriously though it is about being comfortable in your own body and being the best you can be... 
This was me  exactly 5 years ago! I felt good enough to be in a bathing suit then (look how small my baby girl was and my fur baby had no gray hair) and I like reminding myself where I came from and where I am going. 

So fit vs unfit...what do you want to be??? I have chosen to lead a life of healthy eating, healthy lifestyle with a side of pizza and ice cream sometimes ( okay for me not again for 7 weeks haha). 

Individuality is key

Funny thing happened at posing this week....I sucked!!! Big time...I was trying to do what the other ladies were doing and BAM I sucked! My posing has and is a little different then the norm and for the last few weeks I tried "copying" the others and well it was a hot mess... 

Argh I didn't like how my face was too close to my shoulders and in this position I look so rigid. I felt deflated...I felt crappy -  I am 7 weeks out and I look terrible posing. 

Well I got home and got ready to support our fine ladies in their bikini competition and I looked at ME.... I was "fiesty" I was confident I was happy...
I was proud of myself . I had self-confidence ...so I decided that the bathing suit, the leanness, the muscles, the bling are all accessories to ME. I need to bring this ME to the party. The one who is proud of herself, the one who is unique, the one who plays up her strong suit! ME attitude! You cannot practice to bring YOU to the stage you just have to be YOU. 
So this is me....this journey is one filled with learning at every corner. I learned something that I need and use elsewhere why not on that stage???? 
With confidence restored into ME...we were off to see our  ladies compete...I have worked side by side with these ladies and it is so good to see them hit the stage... 
And of course I went with my partner in crime...she is doing the show with me in July! 

Holding Back...security

Do you ever hold back? Do you do it but maybe don't realize you are doing it? Or are you doing it for a reason?

Do you notice no pics this week??? Yeah I just noticed that... No belly pics...NO bikini pics...

This bikini competition I am in week 8... the countdown has and is running and going fast. I printed out my entry form and had my coach help me fill it out. It is one more thing that locks myself in on this...

  • Hotel room booked 
  • Bathing suit ordered/being made
  • Eating ground turkey and asparagus 3x a day
  • Working out 6x a week
  • Fight with my coach 
  • Butttttttttttttttttttttttttttt

I have this defense mechanism where I don't fully put my heart in because if I withhold a little bit it will not hurt as bad. I am PRE-building in a failure %.... DUMB - yes/maybe/no/I don't know. 

I have mentioned a time or million that I have actively seen my therapist over the last 8 years and within that time I realized I kept a little bit of my heart from my husband until about......3 years (we will be married 10 years this year - yikes). But now that I was confronted about that mechanism I fully released my heart to him...and well....he is my stud muffin/my everything....truly I love him more then anything... 

So if the outcome COULD be the same it seems that I need to fully open my mind, body and soul to the possibility that I can rock this up there....that after the show I can continue to live a healthy lifestyle (yes with a little pizza and a little ice cream) and that I can be happy now, tomorrow and in 51 days.

As I sit here wondering WHY... the biggest thing to me is I want to help as many people as possible, I want to encourage as many people as possible to be HAPPY HEALTHY and it is obtainable. 

I don't want people to think that this WAY is the the way or the only way. It is the way to get that ON STAGE bikini body and as I mentioned a post or two in that aspect I am winning. But everyday I want to be able to be the best I can. 

And despite wearing the new lower size and actually being able to fit in clothes...I am still that young chubby unhealthy girl who is making every effort that my kids NEVER have to lose weight. 

Holding back....it is a challenge and something that restricts you...I am breaking chains all the time.... 

Can you break your chains???Can you STOP holding back??? 
(Disclaimer....OMG with this competition my emotions go UP and DOWN)....

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Today tomorrow and forever I am looking for a balanced life... that is filled with healthy choices, happy times and doable! 

I have mentioned a million times...macronutrients !!! But I can also add : whole clean natural foods along with a side of treat sometimes.... 

This journey for a stage bikini body has and is causing me a lot of conflicting emotions - 

- do I want this? 
- can I do this? 
- why am I doing this? 
- is this for me? 
- will I do this again? 
BUT the number one thing is - can I do this and still have balance in my life??? 

I think the answer is yes....

Yesterday we went to a museum...I snacked on my allotted food and while everyone else ate at the cafe I went to the car and used my portable oven and heated up my ground turkey and asparagus and I was happy....I was fine sticking to the plan I was okay being the one to sit by myself....

I am a control freak...I love controlling my diet - but what that means is I get to have that grilled chicken instead of ground turkey...that means every once in a while I get that free sample at See's candy...

But can I do this and wear a bikini on stage??? 

Yes...yes I can...now I need to move forward and keep pumping iron and showing myself, my kids, my family that a balanced bikini is doable!!! 
I am me.
I am a women.
I am a mom with a mom belly.
I am a mom that is getting on that stage in 55 days and I am rockin it all the way!!!!! 
Because my kids see me as a 
And you know what...I am! Because I keep trying..I keep moving forward.... 

Balanced Bikini here I come.....
This is me - this is my mom belly - this is all me and I am lovin it more and more!!!! 

I have heart 
I have ambition 
I have a belly 
I have the most supportive people around me
I have faith 


This journey
This show
This is me getting FREE of my unhealthy lifestyle - the feeling that overnight I will gain all my weight back - this is me admitting I work hard for this - for me!! 

So as I get ready to stand up on stage know this is not only a fitness competition for me but one that I have finally fought and one of myself. 

Being an overweight unhealthy person is not a life I want for myself or my children. I want my years of healthy to outweigh those of unhealthy. 

This year marks 8 years of me actually doing something..actually taking in account what I eat and what I do. 8 years of learning and changing and growing so much in the healthy lifestyle arena. 

NOW I stress to myself everyday that PREP is not life it is not forever it is for a goal. But through this I have learned more about food, my body, my life, my likes, my dislikes and I am achieving happiness by shedding the mental strain I had on myself plus body fat. 

As of yet I am not sure if I will compete again but I will continue to strive for balance and a healthy lifestyle. 

Something besides Bikini Talk

Tonight I sit here just having my brain spin and spin....what has my life become???? 

Work - working out - work!!??? 

Yes kind of maybe - yet I am enjoying Each and every moment I can.

Over the last few weeks we have made a few (BIG) financial moves to put us closer to debt free. We really want to be payment less sooner rather then later and Also save and spend money on traveling with our kiddos. 

After 8 years of building memories and camping our hearts out we decided to get rid of our trailer.. It was a hard decision and one that up until we dropped it off I didn't know if I wanted to let it go... I am traditionally not a sentimental person when it comes to "things" my thought has always been we can buy again if need be. But this trailer we bought just three days before our son was born. Both of our kids have only known a life with a trailer. They loved every second of it...camping, riding, movies, kid nights - just a lot of great times. However we have been using it less and less and we still owed on it. 
It served us well.....we sold it to dear friends so we will see it around. By selling it we got rid of $12k of debt!!!!! 
With no trailer or toys - why do we need a big truck...the truck was in good condition and only had 45k miles on but was 5 years old... We just took it to CarMax just to see and they handed us a great sized check for it (it was paid off). We then looked around to see what we could get...the hubs went with the 2015 Ford Explorer with 15 miles! And with that we have a new SUV and really all we paid was the taxes!!!! 
Bye bye to the old and in with the new. This is the first time in the 11 years I have been with the hubs that he isn't in a truck...so far he loves it. He deserves it! With that we saved on car insurance , gas, AAA (no more RV) and not as many miles on my car! Plus it sits 7!!!! Woo hoo 
All in all we upgraded our vehicle by 5 years - sold a trailer - saved money and we are still ahead over $6k of savings. 

You know where there are highs there are also a few lows...I had the OMG why am I mom moment....it attacked suddenly and then you doubt so much...but then life tilts again and BAM you have three mornings that run so smoothly and you can't  believe it.... But don't think I didn't text my therapist during my breakdown...and GOd knows I love her - been with her 8 years!! 

We also went to go see the movie HOME...it was a great movie...kids loved it and well I cried like normal haha...then the hubs surprised me and bought me my first pair of Oakley's (they make petite)
I love them...it is nice to have a pair because the hubs love them and you know me I like to match haha... 
Well I am signing off as I listen to this well needed rain and the hubs snoring away and the dogs farting....ahhh I love my life!!!! No seriously this peaceful (yet smelly) moments grounds me......

Tan.food....and is that an oblique???

This week started real.

Started my meal plan and I have to say I was not eager to do so. 

Who would have known that what I miss most is spinach pancakes??? 
(We started this jar to open up conversation at the dinner table and look what was drawn...and my answer was spinach pancakes haha). 

My meals: 
Breakfast: 4 oz ground turkey and green beans with 1/2 an apple (sad face entered here for about day 1-3 but now not so bad). 
Snack: 1/2 apple - orange and 12 almonds - have to say my favorite meal of the day haha 
Lunch: 4 oz ground turkey with asparagus and sweet potatoes 
Snack: protein shake (I use Quest chocolate) and I did however weaver from my 1/2 avocado with 1 tablespoon of almond butter.
Dinner: 4 oz filet mignon and sweet potatoes with 1/2 avocado 

I have to admit that it is working and I am not going stir crazy. I did get tired on Wednesday but other that went well. 

Unfortunately this week my daughter got sick so I had to forgo my Friday workout but this week I did get in two running sessions in the morning plus normal night workouts and sauna.

I have been practicing posing and I think I am getting more fluid with my movements. 

Another first on this journey is spray tanning!!! OMG I think I might be addicted... Wow!!! But I strongly advise dark sheets - I am a white sheet gal but I changed it up just for this (just add more $$$ to the cost of this show) 

But the biggest difference .....WOW another thing I might be addicted too.... 
There is a little difference but the tan shows..,
On o the next week...